I Want It Good Now, But It's Gotta Get Bad Before It Gets Good.

Now then, I remembered my weekly post. So here it is.

I guess I should start from that Wednesday in the half term holidays. My mother and myself had arranged to go to the Trafford Centre the next day because she wanted me to get new school shoes. This was fine until I got a text off Hannah asking if I wanted to come with her, Siobhan and Louise for a walk to Lyme park. Initially, for some reason, I felt glad that I had plans and wouldn't enjoy going out for a walk with them. So I Texted Hannah back to say I couldn't because I had to go to the Trafford Centre. Later on, however, I realised that I regretted that decision I had made. Me and my mum weren't going to the Trafford Centre until she got home from work around 5ish. This gave me plenty of time to go out with my friends, but I had this gut instinct that I just didn't want to. As the day progressed and I had diddly squat to do, I really regretted not accepting the invitation. But oh well.

Friday was Halloween. Hannah had organised a party at her house that everyone was invited to. Everyone except me that is. I really didn't want to spend another Halloween stuck inside with my Mum like a loner kid. So on Thursday night I decided to pop onto my school msn to try and get myself an invite. Which I got. Hannah asked me what I had planned for Halloween and when I said nothing, she probably felt bad for not inviting me or something. So she did. I have no idea why she didn't just invite me in the first place, I think she has something against me. Oh I dunno. But its always whenever everyone is going out on a Friday night, and Hannah is the one organising it or when everyone is off to her house. I'm always the only one who's not invited.

Anyway, so I quickly got a devil outfit organised and went to the party. I quite sneakily had a couple of vodka drinks before I went and previously asked my mum to buy us 4 little bottles of WKD as Keri had asked me. When myself and her were chatting about it on ms,n I swear she said she was bringing some as well, but I got to the party and found out it was only me who had brought WKD, and Josh who had brought some beers for the guys. However, because I had just downed a few vodkas, and quickly drank my WKD, I could feel the alcohol effects taking place and found it much more enjoyable than I would have if I was sober. I feel very low and pathetic for resorting to alcohol to calm my nerves and make myself feel more sociable, but I wanted to have a good time.

Didn't do much for the rest of the weekend. My sister came back on Sunday, it was nice to see her again but meant that all the attention was on her, as usual. She had to go back early on Wednesday, she was supposed to stay for the whole week but had to go back to do an essay or something. My auntie and uncle came round for tea on Wednesday to see her and to say goodbye again, which was nice. That week was the beginning of the first week back from half term, which was a bummer. And now all I'm looking forward to is the Xmas holidays, and my holiday in Tenerefe with the family which should be excellent!!

Didn't do anything on Thursday or Friday. But last night was quite good. Me and a big group of us went to Poynton Pool for the fireworks display and bonfire night. We got there dead early and went on all the rides and watched the bonfire being lit and all that jazz which was good. We also got to watch both the kiddie firework display and the main one which was a bonus. It was bloody freezing though, well, it wasn't until it started raining, then every one's hair got wet and then it got reaaaly freezing. I had loadsa layers on as well. So as soon as I got home I got changed into some warm clothes and had a nice hot chocolate. Good times.

Rightio, looks like that's it for this week. Next post will be a week from now.

Oopsies!

Uh oh, its been 2 weeks since I last posted and I feel a big guilty. Every time I remembered how long its been since I posted it makes me put it off even more because I know how much I'll have to write. But today I have decided to grin and bare it and finally write this desperately needed post.

A lot has happened recently, I'm struggling to remember it all though, so I guess I'll start from the days after my last post and see where that takes me.

Nothing spectacular happened on the Monday as far as I'm aware, I had that pickle of telling my friends that Flopsey had died, which I inevitably put off. As me and my walking buddies walked past the empty rabbit hutch I begged that nobody would notice, but at the same time I wanted someone to ask where she was, so then I could explain that she had died instead of just slipping it in to conversation somehow. Well, nobody noticed the empty hutch so, like a looser, I decided to leave it until somebody noticed.

The day continued and I still hadn't managed to tell anyone yet, I had planned to tell Louise in registration but I gave myself the excuse that it was all a bit hectic and I'd leave it til break or lunch time. Both break and lunch time came and I was still procrastinating. It came to 4th or 5th period when we came across the subject of animals or something when Bevon, being her nasty self said "Isn't your rabbit called something stupid like Floppy?". The joke was on her when I replied "Flopsey, and she died yesterday actually". We all burst out laughing at the randomness and I guess how unexpected my comment was. Then Bevon had the nerve to ask me why I was laughing when she was blatantly cackling away there at the fact that my rabbit is dead. I then had to lie to them, well I didn't have to but I chose to because Siobhan asked whether we'd buried her or not, and I said we were going to. I knew if I told them I was just going to put her in the bin like I had then I'd get this terrible response. As if I was a complete weirdo.

Anyway. Oh yeah, Wednesday was the 6th form open evening. It was ok, not exciting as the Aquinas one but I knew that it wouldn't be anyway. Me and my mum weren't there for long, we just went to the hall to hear the head ramble on about stuffs then just went to the rooms where they had information about the subjects I wanted to do then we left. It was nice when we went into the business studies room to be greeted with "Ah my A* student!!" by my business studies teacher. Going to the 6th form open evening only made me want to go to Aquinas even more, so I've pretty much got my heart set on going there now. I don't think anything else happened that week really. My sister came home on the Friday though. It was nice to see her again but at the same time it hasn't been that long since she left. She spent most of her time home out with her friends anyway but it was still nice to have her back for a bit.

Oh, there is also Curtis news. Which was really great at the time, but turned out to be a big disappointment. It all began when he popped on msn on the Saturday. I was thrilled to speak to him again but also wanted to know why he was only coming online once a month. I asked him if he got the offline message I sent him which was me quite pathetically pouring my heart out. Because he said he hadn't seen the message I then had to send it all again, which was quite embarrassing for me because at the time when I wrote it I was really missing him and I was feeling all the things I was writing about. But now, well, then, when I sent it again, those feelings had worn off because I'd become angry that he wasn't online when he knew I was hear waiting for him. Any who, I think that message boosted his ego a bit too much and made him think that I was completely in love with him and that it was unconditional. I have to admit though, when he explained that he didn't want to go through it all again, I was disappointed.

Until he became an absolute ass to me. He'd decided to come on habbo again after leaving some while back now. He was all up for it and enthusiastic about coming back but was also very very annoying. He kept asking me for furni that I wasn't prepared to give because I had spent a long while getting all that. But he didn't understand. He started being rude to me and often ignoring what I was telling him when I was trying to help and started butting in about things he wanted to talk about. I decided I wasn't just going to shrug it off and try and be all lovey again with him because that would be a huge mistake and I feel I deserve better than him after all his cock-ups and disappearances. So didn't start pretending to be nice, I just acted a bit off with him. I had deiced I didn't even want to be friends with him anymore if he was going to act like this. But he had decided otherwise. He though that we could be all pally again. And even more. he started to be all lovey, pretending we could be back to how we were which I can realised is impossible. I think he got the hint that something was wrong when he kept asking me what was wrong. I just told him that we're not how we used to be. From then on he didn't even bother to try and talk to me like he used to. He would not even sign onto msn and just go on habbo but not say hi or anything. On one occasion when I did start the conversation by saying hi, he just straight away jumped in by talking about how he'd broken his wrist or something. I made it quite clear to him that I couldn't care less. It really disappointed me though when I came to terms that what I'd hoped would happen when he came back, didn't. In fact quite the opposite happened. However, I think I'm well and truly over it and him now. I've realised the only ting that was making me miss him and making me believe I still had feelings for him was the prospect of him coming back and being all lovey again and how we were at the beginning. I feel so foolish for believing that and wasting all this time waiting for something that never came.

Ofsted came into school on Wednesday. The school had be warned about this on Friday and hence the teachers go absolutely bonkers and stressed and all sorts on oftead day and the days in preparation towards it. We had a 'student briefing' by Mrs. Adamson, the head of school about it on the Monday. She was basically telling us to be on our best behaviour and make sure uniform was right etc etc. Zzzzzzzz. Ofstead day was actually quite good though. I was book less for the whole day because I was chosen to hand in all my books for them to look at and every single teacher had decided to change their lesson plans and make them more interesting for oftead to watch and for us to be taught. It was great. It was funny to see all the teachers all dressed up to impress. On the downside however, the teachers were so much more strict. As soon as we got into school it was "do you tie up, fasten that top button, tuck your shirt in, change your shoes, take your coat off" etc. Which was just plain annoying!

Wednesday was also parent's evening. Everything was fine as usual. But I was especially impressed by what my business studies teacher said to my parents. My dad said she said "I cant believe how a 15 year old can have the business intelligence of an 18 year old" and "I wasn't even at that level when I was her age". Hearing this made me very very happy!

Right, I'm going to have to cut this last bit short because I'm loosing the will to live. As far as I can remember not much happened the weekend after that. Last week was ok, I enjoyed the community service with the little toddlers at First Steps. Last Saturday I went to go see High School Musical 3 with some peoples which was dead good. And because it's half term this week I've been lazying around on my ass all week. S'all good!

Dead Rabbit

Yep, my rabbit died today. It was a very odd experience, but I don't feel all that sad about it all if I'm honest. The freakiest part was seeing her die, she was having these strange spazz attacks and she kept kicking her legs and throwing her head back. I've decided not to bury her cos it would feel too weird knowing I have a dead rabbit buried in my garden so we're going to just put her in the bin, which also seems a bit peculiar but at least then I wont be reminded of it. Not sure why she died really, probably won't be old age as she is only 5 years old and I found out that they tend to live for 8-10 years. Oh well. I suppose the worst thing about all this is having to tell everyone about it at school tomorrow.

On a happier note, me and my mum went to the Aquinas open evening on Wednesday. It was great! I really liked the idea of me going there apposed to the 6th form and I was really happy with the whole atmosphere of the college and what the teachers were like and the people there. I picked up loads of leaflets about different courses that I was considering taking but still haven't decided which combination to go for though. Although I was very muchly won over by Aquinas, I still want to keep the 6th form an option and I'm going to their open evening this Wednesday. I think it would be a lot easier for me to make this decision if Aquinas offered a course that I desperately wanted to do that Poynton didn't, but that's not the case, but I really like Aquinas as a college but also because the teachers seem much better. (who, by the way, you call by their first names!) I also like the fact that it seemed to care more about the subjects I want to take and were more experienced in teaching the not as popular subjects that are mostly my choices. The only concern I have about starting a new school is making friends. My sister mentioned that a couple of her friends went to Aquinas but hated it because they couldn't fit in and everybody already had their own group of friends so they found it hard to make news ones. I still want to talk about that to my sister though, 'cos I don't really know the full story. She however seemed quite supportive about it when I spoke to her on the phone the other day, as if she thought it was good choice to make. Anyway, she's home next weekend which I'm dead excited about! So we'll have a chat about it all then.

Still no word from Curtis. I was hoping he'd be online last Saturday because that would have been the day where it'd been a month since we last spoke which is the usual time in which I have to wait to speak to him again. It's been over a week since then but still no word.

Aquinas College

Right then, looks like this blogging thing is going to have to turn into a weekly ritual as I can't seem to find the determination to post one every other day. So, here's the update on this week:

Over all it has been just ok. I still feel a bit left out of everything at school and with my friendship group. Especially when I found out that everyone went out of Friday night without inviting me. I even asked Siobhan on Thursday whether anything was planned for us all going out but she said that nobody was going out and that nothing was planned. However, turns out they all went out on Friday night, including Bevon and Louise who both said they couldn't be bothered or had stuff to do. What really got to me is the fact that everyone knew I was free on Friday night but didn't bother to tell/invite me.

There have also been some arrangements for Hannah, Louise and Siobhan to go to Liverpool on Saturday which both myself and Bevon haven't been invited to. Additionally, everyone went back to Hannah's yesterday because we finished an hour early. Everyone except me that is.

Today hasn't been such a good day either. Well, it went quite quickly which is good. But Bevon was a being a big pain in the ass and kept making nasty comments at me, more than she usually does. I have done didley squat to her but she insists on making me miserable for no apparent reason.

On the upside, I think I've sussed my decision on whether to go to the 6th form or Aquinas College. I would stay on at the 6th form if I had a nice set of friends but seeing as though they leave me out and I'm not having a very good time there, Aquinas looks like a pretty good option at the moment. Siobhan went to the 1st open evening they had last night and came back saying it was really good. What pleased me most is that she said it sounded really good for Business, which is my number one priority. So me and my mum are off to go to the second opening evening on Wednesday which I am now looking forward to a lot.

Ok that's it I think.

University times.

First of all, apologies for the infrequency of posts. It slipped my mind a bit. Anyhow, you'll be glad to know that this week was much better than the last. Bevon was still being a bit iffy with me, but that's just how Bevon is. Everyone else was perfectly fine with me. I dunno what was going on last week but whatever it was it seems to have stopped. Interesting wise, the week was not very interesting at all but it went quite quickly which I was very happy about. I had my community service with the little toddlers at first steps on Thursday which I again enjoyed, but was also happy it was over at the same time which was a bit odd. But oh well.

Today I have just come back from a weekend away in Warwick/Coventry. It was time to take my sister to University for the first time. It was actually not as interesting as I thought it would have been but I enjoyed it. Her flat/apartment thingy is really nice and she seems to have settled in quite well. It was an absolute mission carrying all her stuffs to her room but we managed in the end. It was very odd to have a whole hotel room of my own as well, and now I'll even have a whole bedroom to myself, which I still need to get used to. There were a few tears with my sister and my mum but that's nothing I wasn't expecting, in fact, I was actually expecting more tears. I felt a bit sad when we left but I know she isn't gone forever. I will miss her though.

Anyway, that's about enough I can I think to write about at the moment.

Friends: who needs 'em?

Well, nobody needs the crappy mean ones anyway. Including me. Friday turned out to be just as shitty as Thrusday on the being left out and ignored front. I told Beavon that I couldn't come to Hannah's thing 'cos I had to go out for a last meal with the parents and my sister. Which was a bit of a lie, no meal dealio was set in stone, but it was mentioned by the rents. Turns out we didn't go for a last meal. Oh well, I'd rather spen the Friday night as I did than go out with people that make me feel like shit. I came home and cried that day. As far as I'm aware I've done didley squat that could of offended or pissed them off in any way. And even if I have, I'd rather they brought it up so I know whats going on rather than blatently being off with me.

They keep bringing up the fact that apprently Ben is planning on asking me to prom. And everytime they bring it up, I say that if he asks, I will say no. The thought of him wanting to go with me sickens me greatly.

I feel like a social retard at this moment in time.

Well, on a happier front, I had a good 'ol laugh with the Amy on Saturday night. We got the drink out as usual and I actually went on webcam which I haven't done in a looong time. It felt weird for me knowing that she could see me, like, live. But was fun also. I really wish I had a friend like her in 'real life'. Or even better, I wish we knew each other in 'real life' things would be so much better. I would mention that I would love us to meet up, when we're a bit older obviously. But I'm scared she wont want the same thing. But like, I know she wouldnt tell me that she didnt want us to meet up, or that she wasn't too keen on it becuase she wouldnt want to hurt my feelings. But I'd never want to put her in that position where she feels like she has to pretend she is keen on the idea when really she isnt. But now I'm thinking that if she does, and I just never mention it, and she doesn't mention it either becuase she thinks I'm not keen on the idea, then we'll end up both wanting to meet up, but we never will becuase we don't want to hurt each other's feelings. Maybe I'll just hint it to her one day.

Back on the depressing side, I really missed Curtis over this weekend, I'm not really sure why. Well, I do know why, its cos I know I still have feelings for him, and I especially miss just talking to him. I'm also scared that I'll never find anyone like him again. I fantasize about us knowing each other for real, or just having lots of phone conversations together. I feel sad when I imagine us together and what it would be like because I'm scared that will never happen. I got quite desperate on Saturday night, I went on my sister's Bebo account and sent a message to one of Curtis' friends asking if she had his mobile number. (I deleted both paper and electronic versions in an "I'm going to move on" attempt, which I now deeply regret, again.) She replied to say she used to have it but doesn't anymore cos he was apprently being a nob so she deleted it :S. I'm not sure if those 2 were the clostest of friends in the first place anyway, so maybe I should have asked someone else. I contemplated doing so but then decided to just leave it and ask him when he next comes online, which by the way will probably be in a month or so :(

Hence still no reply from my offline message indicting he hasn't been online since we last spoke.

Ah well. All in all, I think this weekend has been quite a good one. I just hope his week goes much more smoothly than lasts.

Oh and also! Ian phoned me on Saturday >;lllllllllll to ask if I wanted to come round to his for a brew. I said I was cleaning my room, which is what I was doing. But he then asked if I wanted to come round after doing my room so I said I'll see what I'm doing then text him. I never texted him. I really don't understand how he can not get it after all this time of me making blatant excuses that I don't want to be near him and trying to be as off with him as possible. Maybe he just doesn't want to accept that I hate his guts and wish he would die. And also that all his friends are leaving him.

Lets hate Alex day

Now then, for the most of today I felt rather shit. It again felt like everyone was against me for no apparent reason. Especially Beavon. I had to try my very hardest to hold back the tears at one point. My confidence was at an all time low. I no longer regard these people as my friends.

I have to say however, my afternoon was quite a bit better.

Gonna get the drink out on Saturday with Amy which I am VERY MUCHLY looking forward to! >=D!

And thats all is worth mentioning at the moment.