Friends: who needs 'em?

Well, nobody needs the crappy mean ones anyway. Including me. Friday turned out to be just as shitty as Thrusday on the being left out and ignored front. I told Beavon that I couldn't come to Hannah's thing 'cos I had to go out for a last meal with the parents and my sister. Which was a bit of a lie, no meal dealio was set in stone, but it was mentioned by the rents. Turns out we didn't go for a last meal. Oh well, I'd rather spen the Friday night as I did than go out with people that make me feel like shit. I came home and cried that day. As far as I'm aware I've done didley squat that could of offended or pissed them off in any way. And even if I have, I'd rather they brought it up so I know whats going on rather than blatently being off with me.

They keep bringing up the fact that apprently Ben is planning on asking me to prom. And everytime they bring it up, I say that if he asks, I will say no. The thought of him wanting to go with me sickens me greatly.

I feel like a social retard at this moment in time.

Well, on a happier front, I had a good 'ol laugh with the Amy on Saturday night. We got the drink out as usual and I actually went on webcam which I haven't done in a looong time. It felt weird for me knowing that she could see me, like, live. But was fun also. I really wish I had a friend like her in 'real life'. Or even better, I wish we knew each other in 'real life' things would be so much better. I would mention that I would love us to meet up, when we're a bit older obviously. But I'm scared she wont want the same thing. But like, I know she wouldnt tell me that she didnt want us to meet up, or that she wasn't too keen on it becuase she wouldnt want to hurt my feelings. But I'd never want to put her in that position where she feels like she has to pretend she is keen on the idea when really she isnt. But now I'm thinking that if she does, and I just never mention it, and she doesn't mention it either becuase she thinks I'm not keen on the idea, then we'll end up both wanting to meet up, but we never will becuase we don't want to hurt each other's feelings. Maybe I'll just hint it to her one day.

Back on the depressing side, I really missed Curtis over this weekend, I'm not really sure why. Well, I do know why, its cos I know I still have feelings for him, and I especially miss just talking to him. I'm also scared that I'll never find anyone like him again. I fantasize about us knowing each other for real, or just having lots of phone conversations together. I feel sad when I imagine us together and what it would be like because I'm scared that will never happen. I got quite desperate on Saturday night, I went on my sister's Bebo account and sent a message to one of Curtis' friends asking if she had his mobile number. (I deleted both paper and electronic versions in an "I'm going to move on" attempt, which I now deeply regret, again.) She replied to say she used to have it but doesn't anymore cos he was apprently being a nob so she deleted it :S. I'm not sure if those 2 were the clostest of friends in the first place anyway, so maybe I should have asked someone else. I contemplated doing so but then decided to just leave it and ask him when he next comes online, which by the way will probably be in a month or so :(

Hence still no reply from my offline message indicting he hasn't been online since we last spoke.

Ah well. All in all, I think this weekend has been quite a good one. I just hope his week goes much more smoothly than lasts.

Oh and also! Ian phoned me on Saturday >;lllllllllll to ask if I wanted to come round to his for a brew. I said I was cleaning my room, which is what I was doing. But he then asked if I wanted to come round after doing my room so I said I'll see what I'm doing then text him. I never texted him. I really don't understand how he can not get it after all this time of me making blatant excuses that I don't want to be near him and trying to be as off with him as possible. Maybe he just doesn't want to accept that I hate his guts and wish he would die. And also that all his friends are leaving him.